I WANT TO STAY

 I WANT TO STAY, BUT WILL I?  I WANTED TO LEAVE, BUT DIDN'T!

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. WOW!!! I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT AND IT IS THE GOD'S HONEST TRUTH!  IS THAT A BAD OR GOOD THING THAT I AM SO AMAZED BY THAT STATEMENT?

I AM SO AFRAID NOW.  IF YOU LEFT ME I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO.  NO, I'M LYING!!! I WOULD PICK UP THE PIECES AND MOVE FORWARD, BUT DAMN WOULD IT BE HARD!!!!

I BARELY HAD ENOUGH OF WHAT IT TOOK TO KEEP THIS THING A FLOAT IN THE PAST.  THERE IS NO WAY I HAVE ENOUGH OF WHAT IT TAKES FOR THE BOTH OF US RIGHT NOW!  DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES? DO YOU EVEN WANT THE SAME THINGS THAT I DO?

I AM TELLING YOU THAT I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, BAGGAGE AND ALL!  ONLY PREPARED PACKAGES THOUGH, NO F#CKING SURPRISES!!!  I WANT YOU BUT I'M NOT STUPID.  I KNOW WE HAVE ISSUES AND I AM WILLING TO ADDRESS THEM AND FACE THEM HEAD ON, BUT THERE IS NO WAY I CAN ADDRESS ISSUES SURROUNDING US WITHOUT YOU.

I NEED YOU TO LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.   I CAN'T SAY THAT IT'LL CHANGE HOW I FEEL CAUSE IF I CAN SAY I STILL WANT YOU NOW AFTER EVERYTHING I PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL NO MATTER WHAT.  AT FIRST I STRUGGLED WITH NOT WANTING YOU BUT NOT WANTING TO SEE YOU HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

I CAN ADMIT THAT!  I WOULDN'T CARE IF NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD WANTED YOU AND EVERYBODY HATED YOU FOR THEIR OWN PERSONAL REASONS I WOULD STILL WANT YOU JUST AS MUCH AS I DO RIGHT NOW!

I JUST SAID THAT I WANTED YOU BUT STILL WONDERING IF I SHOULD LEAVE!!! THAT MAKES NO SENSE!  IS IT TIME FOR MY BREAK.  DO I NEED TO LEAVE ONLY TO COME BACK TO CLAIM YOU LATER WITH A BETTER APPROACH AND ATTITUDE?

  I DON'T KNOW.  I DON'T KNOW AND I AM OK WITH THAT.

I KNOW I WANT YOU AND THAT IS ENOUGH FOR ME!! FOR NOW!!!

THE LOVE I SEE

Everything I think I see, I really don't see.  This is not you lashing out and

talking down to me.  This is not you telling me how I should feel. This is certainly not you blowing me off like that!

Show me the real you.  Please do! Show me the man I fell in love with.  Show me the man that has kept me

head over hills in love all this time

Show me how much you love me in more than one way instead of showing me how you can love more than one woman in many ways.  Show me how you'll never leave my side instead of jumping up to leave each time your phone rings. Find new things to do with me instead of things to do with someone new!Fight for a change for something you really want as apposed to running out to the easiest and closest crutch you can get to.  You say that I over analyze everything yet you take the first sign of trouble as a sign to just back up and away when maybe you're getting all of these curve balls because you keep trying to dodge them instead of sticking out your well armored glove and catching them.

This love between us is not the Love I see for me.  It is not the LOVE I see for us.  There is no more us. There is us & EVERYBODY ELSE!!! When we argue I can't tell if you're yelling at me or someone else.

When I'm sad you get tired of having to guess if you have the least bit to do with it.  It is almost as if you are beyond the point of relief when you discover that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Damn! Are you that used to me being a bitch!  Have I been angry & sad that often to where you can only expect the worst?

I really hate that!  You shouldn't have to put up with that.  Its either, or! EITHER, OR. Do you not get that? Of course you don't because I haven't given you the opportunity to. What am I thinking?

When you call me or come to my house all upset and stumping around I can always almost guarantee that it isn't about me.  If it was you wouldn't be in my face looking for comfort.  I can even almost guarantee that if I gave it a few weeks you'll be just as mad again.  This isn't the LOVE I see for me. This isn't the LOVE I see for you. This isn't the LOVE I see for us!

                       WHERE IS MY LOVE? WHERE IS OUR LOVE? Does it even exist?

I could move across country and the same questions would follow. SECURITY, TRUST, HONEST AND LOYALTY.   Three of which I can admit I have had my issues with in the past. TRUST and SECURITY seem to be on the front line right about now. This isn't the LOVE I want.  I don't feel loved. I feel needed!!!!

                                   IT IS NOT THE SAME!!!! NO WAY, NO HOW!

LORD! I beg of you.  Cover me with your blood.  Make me more like you. Give me grace and make me worthy of a love that only you can provide.  Prepare me for such a love so that I am not wasteful when it arrives, that is, if it hasn't already.

     The LOVE I see is a love that can be compared to yours in so many ways. Though this LOVE will never be duplicated I'll take the copycat.  THAT IS THE LOVE I SEE FOR ME!

Decisions Decisions!!!!

    What do you do when your heart & mind finally agree with each other?
What do you do when this finally happens after 27 years?
   Why has it been so easy for me to get used to chaos as apposed to normality.  I am so sure of myself right now & it is scaring the f#ck out
   of me! I'm not going to lie, I'm not completely sure about everything but hell, who is?  All I know is I feel secure about the things that I am sure about.
   

   Why is being aware for a change so frightening for me?


I constantly ask God to provide me with oportunities making change
  possible, yet whenever the oppotunity arises I constantly find a way to fumble! I can no longer be afraid of change! Change is me friend!!!!!!
   Yeap! I'll just keeping telling myself that. Yes, I sure will.
                   Change is good! Change is inevitable.

Ok. If I know all of this then what the hell? Why hasn't the process of change
  begun?  A person cannot change something they refuse to face.
My romantic relationship, for instance, is at a stand still and has been for as
  long as i can remember.  There were once legitament reasons as to why
there was no growth.  As of right now, I really can't see any real reason as to
   why we aren't moving in an actual direction. Moving has never been the
problem. It is the STAYING that seems to be so crucial.

I can no longer allow important parts of my life to be "sometimey".
   In other words, sometimes its on track but at the drop of a dime
its not. I am aware that the only guarantees I have in life are
   LIFE AND DEATH.  Even with this being said I can't help but to long for
a PROMISE, at least a fraction of one.

I'm not saying I want to be married right now.  All I'm saying is I need for that
  option to be available to me. 

I honestly feel like a Dr. with no job title.  I've been to school for millions
  of years for the trainning. I've even put in the the man hours needed for
experience, but yet I'm being paid 15,000 yearly for a job that should be paying me at least 90,000. I feel cheated! I am lost without my title.

                        I AM LOST WITHOUT MY TITLE!
  
There is no way an highly educated Dr. would put up with someone calling
him or her a nurse whenever they see fit.

In other words, I refuse to wear a ring & be given the title as WIFE in private
but then asked to take my ring off in public and become A PLATONIC FRIEND.

              WOW!! I believe I am starting to see where some of this
       reserved anger has been stored all this time! Guess what! I hate it!
I do not want this anger, confusion or whatever you wanna call it.

I want a commitment! I am ready for a commitment! I need a commitment!

There are many things in my life that could use some hard work and attention,
but for some reason my romantic relationship has my focus.

              DECISIONS DECISIONS!!!!